Worst Sex Tips
These days, it seems like everyone’s a sexpert. And while some tips can be helpful, others range from laughable to unnecessarily stress-inducing to downright dangerous.
Here we count down some of the worst magazine sex advice given.
#1 Unnecessarily Convoluted, Awkward Sex Positions. They may sound exotic and exciting when viewed in full high-gloss high-photo-shopped glory in a magazine, but when actually put into practice these sealed-section darlings have a unique knack for being overly complex, uncomfortable and often somewhat painful.
Also we’re pretty sure no one has ever attempted a “Flying Camel” or “Passion Propeller” for any reason other than bar-stool bragging rights.
#2 Biting his “Family Jewels”. Wait, what? Connecting teeth with a scrotum? Don’t believe any one in their right mind would ever advise this, let alone an industry-giant publication? Think again.
#3 Using kitchen vegetables as organic sex toys. Why? If you have that much surplus celery, your first port of call should probably be the in-sink-erator or compost bin, not the bedroom!
#4. The Indian Burn: as ‘an erotic stimulus’ for a man’s member. Remember the painful skin twisters from childhood, likely applied to your forearm by an older sibling? That left angry red marks for hours? We’d like to re-emphasise the painful and angry red marks for hours part. Again: why Cosmo, why?
#5. Some sort of sexy food combo… in The Boudoir. Usually takes the form of some ill-advised chimera involving chocolate sauce, whipped cream, glace cherries and chopped peanuts etc. So far as we’re aware, Cosmo is somehow contractually-bound to include some variant of this one in each and every magazine.
But as many people eventually find out, sexy food adventures don’t really exist. It’s sticky, messy, and wrecks sheets and underwear. Bits get stuck in other bits. Plus, extra domestic chores required afterwards is usually a sure-fire way to kill even the most passionate mood.
#6. Keeping a spray bottle of ice-cold water bedside: to enhance excitement with strategically placed spritzes. Yes: you heard that right. Ice-cold water. ‘Enhance excitement.’
Okay, Cosmo. You’re doing this deliberately now, aren’t you?
Of course, it is an effective way to train dogs not to pee inside, however.
#7. Faked Male Orgasm. No. Just no. Despite a dozen magazine columns that suggest otherwise, if you really think you could pull this one off, you need to carefully re-consider the mechanics of male orgasm…
The odds of actually fooling any woman with this move? Our own resident experts calculate this to be precisely 0.00%.
So. If there’s a take-home lesson here, perhaps it’s this: why rely on a magazine writer’s opinion of what your partner wants, when you can go right to the source and ask your partner directly? Try openness and honesty! Seems almost a no-brainer, really…