Men You Don’t Want To Marry
Dubbed “the first priest ever to be quoted by Glamour magazine” because of his down-to-earth advice, he’s conducted premarital counselling and presided over more than 200 weddings.
For the last 40 years he’s lectured high school girls on the pitfalls of marrying the wrong guy.
Love & Marriage Different
All those years of human experience have helped him develop some wisdom about the tricky nature of love and marriage.
His central thesis is that you can be deeply in love with someone to whom you can’t be successfully married.
He believes there are no soulmates, only lovers to whom we commit.
Don’t allow yourself to become infatuated, because judgement then just flies out the window, he says.
He advises a year-long engagement to examine fully the values and character of your future spouse.
His Whom Not to Marry List:
1. Men with no friends
If he’s got no friends, it usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands, suggest Fr Connor. “I am always amazed at the number of men I have counseled who have no friends. Since, as the Hebrew Scriptures say, ‘Iron shapes iron and friend shapes friend,’ what are his friends like?
2. Men who are bad with money
“Does he use money responsibly? Is he stingy? Most marriages that founder do so because of money — she’s thrifty, he’s on his 10th credit card.
3. Men who never make demands
“Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours. It’s good to have a doormat in the home, but not if it’s your husband.
4. Men who are Mummy’s boys
“Is he overly attached to his mother and her mythical apron strings? When he wants to make a decision, say, about where you should go on your honeymoon, he doesn’t consult you, he consults his mother. (I’ve known cases where the mother accompanies the couple on their honeymoon!)
5. Men who can’t laugh at themselves
“Humor covers a multitude of sins. My mother was once asked how she managed to live harmoniously with three men — my father, brother and me. Her answer, delivered with awesome arrogance, was: ‘You simply operate on the assumption that no man matures after the age of 11.’ My father fell about laughing.
6. Men who can’t be open
“A therapist friend insists that ‘more marriages are killed by silence than by violence.’ The strong, silent type can be charming but ultimately destructive. That world-class misogynist, Paul of Tarsus, got it right when he said, ‘In all your dealings with one another, speak the truth to one another in love that you may grow up.’
7. Men you think you can change
“Don’t marry a problem character thinking you will change him. He’s a heavy drinker, or some other kind of addict, but if he marries a good woman, he’ll settle down. People are the same after marriage as before, only more so.
8. Men who put you down in front of others
“Take a good, unsentimental look at his family — you’ll learn a lot about him and his attitude towards women. Kay made a monstrous mistake marrying Michael Corleone! Is there a history of divorce in the family? An atmosphere of racism, sexism or prejudice in his home?
9. Men with secrets
“Finally: Does he possess those character traits that add up to a good human being — the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous? Or is he inclined to be a fibber, to fits of rage, to be a control freak, to be envious of you, to be secretive?