Sooner or later – whether it takes a few months or a few years – everyone has a moment in their marriage when they think they’ve made a terrible mistake.

So says Boston family therapist Terrence Real, who calls the phenomenon “normal marital hatred.”  Anyone who has been married more than five years knows what he is talking about, he says.

Far from being a disaster in the making, this is “the first day of your real marriage.”

Create The Future You Want

It’s not a sign you’ve chosen the wrong partner, but the signal to “grow up and take responsibility for your own imperfection.”

Real represents a new view on relationships and their discontents – and that is that we alone are responsible for having the relationship we want.

Its brightest possibility exists, ironically, just when the passion seems most totally dead.

Infatuation Idealizes

Romance itself contains the seeds of its own demise, say biologists.

While infatuation lasts, (anything from nine months to four years) research shows that it makes partners overestimate their similarities and idealize each other.

We’re thrilled that he loves Thai food, travel, and classic movies, just like us. And we overlook his avid interest in old cars and online poker.

“Infatuation fades for everyone,” says Christine Meinecke, a clinical psychologist and author of Everybody Marries the Wrong Person.

Everything Goes Wrong

“That’s when you discover your psychological incompatibility, and disenchantment sets in. Suddenly, a switch is flipped, and now all you can see are your differences. You’re focusing on what’s wrong with them. They need to get the message about what they need to change.”

“You conclude you’ve married the wrong person—but that’s because you’re accustomed to thinking, Cinderella-like, that there is only one right person.

Top Tips From Therapist’s Notebook

Our culture encourages us to think if someone isn’t satisfying us we should just move on, but
no one is going to get all their needs met in a relationship and it’s wise for us to acknowledge that, the therapists say.

• Avoid setting up an ideal partner and an ideal relationship in your head – that’s a recipe for disaster.
• Accept sometimes we do marry the wrong person; the list includes substance abusers, serial adulterers, or physical abuse or other controlling behaviour.
• Soft excuses like “drifting apart” are simply signs the couple wasn’t willing to work on the marriage
• Delivering an ultimatum for divorce is like “trying to drive a car when you haven’t changed the oil for ten years” – you haven’t been maintaining the relationship properly.
• It helps to remind yourself “we’re all difficult.”

Know Thyself

Terrence Real reports that he attended an anniversary party for friends who had been together 25 years.

When someone commented on the longevity of the relationship, the husband replied: “Every morning I wake up, splash cold water on my face, and say out loud, ‘Well, you’re no prize either.’”

A dose of humility, it seems, does wonders for a marriage.

Original article: Psychology Today.

image source: http://www.egodevelopment.com

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About the author

Jenny W