A flood of New Zealand men have contacted Australian sex researcher Bettina Arendt eager to talk about their sex lives following publicity of her latest book The Sex Diaries, based on the sex diaries of 98 couples written over six to nine months.
The intimate personal records uncovered a problem one man described as “one of society’s best kept secrets” – the reluctance of many married women to engage in regular sex with their partners.
Now Bettina plans to take her research to a deeper level for her next book, Male Sex Diaries, and she is looking for men willing to take part in her research.
Time to Ask – What Do Men Want?
Men wanting to share their personal experience on a whole range of topics – from ‘What men look for in a lover’ ; ‘Are women hard to please?’ ; ‘Ripped off by the impotence industry?’ ; and ‘Using pornography and what women feel about it’ are encouraged to get in touch with Bettina Arndt through her website www.bettinaarndt.com.au
The author’s sympathy with male frustration and her suggestion that women adopt more of a “just do it” attitude to sex has angered some women’s groups, but Bettina is unrepentant.
“I find it outrageous we have reached the state of affairs where women think it’s OK for men to just put up with having no sex or intermittent sex,” she says. “Many women seem able to conclude sex is an optional extra in the relationship.”
Say ‘Yes’ More Often
The problem is that many women seem biologically programmed to lose interest in sex a few years into a relationship, says Bettina Arndt. “Research in Germany showed that four years into a relationship fewer than half of 30-year-old women wanted steady regular sex.
“It simply hasn’t worked to have a couple’s sex life hinge on the fragile female libido. The right to say “no” needs to give way to the right to say “yes” more often – provided both men and women end up enjoying the experience.”
Research by Professor Rosemary Basson from British Columbia has shown many people can experience arousal and orgasm without prior desire, she says. Provided there’s a willingness to be receptive, the rest follows.
More and Better Sex
“Once the canoe is in the water, everyone starts happily paddling. For couples to experience regular, pleasurable sex and sustain loving relationships women must get over that ideological roadblock of assumptions about desire and ”just do it”. The result will be both men and women will enjoy more, better sex.
The Sex Diaries argues that 50 years of feminism has led women to think that if they don’t feel desire, there’s no need to have sex. The right to say ‘no’ is one of the outstanding achievements of feminism, the book suggests.
Battle of the Sexes Power Shift
‘‘The control of the sex supply nicely demonstrates the shift in the past 40 years between men and women,” says Bettina Arndt. “Before, women had to tolerate sex because they had no choice if the men wanted it. Then along came the ’60s, the women’s movement, economic independence and the notion that women were entitled to happiness.
“So now it is men who are more emotionally dependent on their relationships . . . choosing to bite their tongues. Men are very conscious that the woman might leave if they put too much pressure on her.’’
Men really welcomed the opportunity to express their feelings about this in the sex diaries, she says.
“Men might tell jokes about sexually deprived husbands, but talk to them privately and they aren’t laughing. Many feel duped, disappointed, in despair at finding themselves spending their lives begging for sex from their loved partners. They are stunned they find their needs so totally ignored.”
In some cases, keeping the diaries helped couples open up communication on what had become a tense topic, says Bettina.
Low Libido Answers
Not all women suffer from low libido. Some women – dubbed “juicy tomatoes” by Bettina Arndt – maintain a high sex drive within secure relationships. And for those who do experience a fall in sexual interest, “just putting up with it” is not the only solution. Herbal supplements like Herbal Ignite www.herbalignite.com help increase sexual interest and desire in men and women in a natural, non-invasive way. Herbal Ignite also contains at herbal anti stress component to help reduce anxiety around “the sex question”.